Monday, February 7, 2011

A New Perspective

The latest weather report I've read described the upcoming onslaught as a "whopper of a storm." This has drawn me to several hypotheses.

1. Our local meteorologists have lost it. They're exhausted. Hungry. They've sat slumped in their crappy non-ergonomically correct newsroom chairs, unable to count the number of days they've been in the same shirt and tie. Their muscles in atrophy, they're completely apathetic to the plight of the people. Their eyes have glazed over, unable to focus on predictive computer forecast models. They are as desperate as unequipped and wary nomadic desert wanderers, seeing mirages of utopia-worthy temperate forecasts manifest themselves on their computer screens. "A breezy 74 with sunny skies awaits us tomorrow. Scrape the ice off the grills, people! Trade those snow boots for flip flops, and light the citronella candles. It's gunna be a whopper of a storm!"

2. I'm revising my latest grocery list. Previous to the aforementioned forecast being published, my local grocer was going to receive cash payment for the following:
Frozen Waffles
Peanut Butter
Toilet Paper

I've since decided to replace those items with the following:
2 Cartons of Marlboro Lights (I don't smoke. But given this latest turn of events, I figure it's best to increase all detrimental factors in order to make my misery as short-lived as possible.)

3. I will not retrieve my oldest from school today. They willingly accepted her back this morning, with every understanding that they were responsible for her well-being. She's better off there anyway. (Refer to hypothesis 2.)

In an interesting side note, my husband left yesterday for work. Between the time he arrived to his destination (a luxurious mountain lodge resort in the beautiful Ouachitas) and this morning, my BFF, Mother Nature, handed him three inches of snow and the inability to drive the ten minutes down the mountain to the account he is supposed to be working this week. So, while we at home successfully coax our ulcers out of recession and resist the urge to vomit, we can at least be at peace knowing he's snug as a bug in one of Arkansas's most beautiful natural landscapes, enjoying a crackling fire, a full wait staff and the perspective of an indefinite return.

Cheers, sweetheart.


  1. Local news lives for winters like this. Loving the 'bits'.


    #2 killed me...

    Have you thought about having the girls draw some pics to go with your posts? That would be highly entertaining. Sort of like illustrations for the dialogues. Would be impressive!

  3. Great fun to read! THANKS!


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