And in true bureaucratic and tax-payer-funded government fashion, an unsurprising response:
...This is a generated message. Due to blizzard conditions all Headquarters and sub-committee offices regarding solution/consultation situations are closed. If this is an emergency contact your Senator and/or Representative. We feel all troop leaders have been properly trained and are capable of handling any emergency, anyway. Actually we have all managed to avoid any danger to our lives and have temporarily moved our offices to undisclosed (resort) locations. The President considers our role in the defense of the United States such that he has ordered our complete removal from any dangerous situations or difficult decision making.
There has been no return date discussed.
General Headquarters C/O Carnival Cruise Lines
SOS. URGENT DISPATCH REQUESTED.
Please deliver the following message, as it is a matter of national security.
As of 1500 hours, Thursday afternoon, we will be abandoning our assigned post for Operation Subzero Brain Numb. We've made no headway in crossing over enemy lines, and at this point, feel our orders simply cannot be executed. As the officer in charge of the brigade, I've made the executive decision to leave the canine behind. While the troops sleep, I am packing their duffel bags, and with the help of my subordinate, Sergeant Major Allison, will secure our outpost for an indefinite return. It is increasingly clear that leaving the barracks is our only option to regain sanity of the soldiers in question.
At this time, I unfortunately cannot comment on our estimated time of return. Please await further communication on our progress. We will send CCs of this briefing to the tiki bar, masseuse, and hotel concierge to ensure this safely gets to you, and that you are at all times aware of our plight.
To date, there's been no response.