Friday, February 4, 2011

Day 4. Snowpocalypse.

What follows is the cry for help sent out yesterday: 

Urgent. Send help. The troops are restless. Defying authority. Please notify the general that action must be taken, and soon. The situation is worse than we had originally feared. The troops have taken on a dog, providing it shelter and food within our living quarters. I believe delirium to be the culprit for one soldier in particular, as evidenced by her constant and continual request to change into her dress uniform and "perform a show". The rest of us are doing our best to hide our concern for her mental state, but just yesterday her fellow soldier informed me, "This snow is making me bananas."

The one glimmer of hope are the birds which we are able to see close to the barracks. But even the wildlife runs to safety when our soldier in question runs through the mess hall, towards the window screaming, "BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRDS!!!!!!!"

No end in sight. Our path to the dispatch is still blocked. All roads to the the Root Rendezvous are treacherous. Please advise of our next orders. Something must be done before it's too late.

And in true bureaucratic and tax-payer-funded government fashion, an unsurprising response: 

General Headquarters
Troop 1690-72701

...This is a generated message. Due to blizzard conditions all Headquarters and sub-committee offices regarding solution/consultation situations are closed. If this is an emergency contact your Senator and/or Representative. We feel all troop leaders have been properly trained and are capable of handling any emergency, anyway. Actually we have all managed to avoid any danger to our lives and have temporarily moved our offices to undisclosed (resort) locations. The President considers our role in the defense of the United States such that he has ordered our complete removal from any dangerous situations or difficult decision making.

There has been no return date discussed.

Semper fidelis

My futile retort:

Troop 1690-72701
General Headquarters C/O Carnival Cruise Lines


Please deliver the following message, as it is a matter of national security.

As of 1500 hours, Thursday afternoon, we will be abandoning our assigned post for Operation Subzero Brain Numb. We've made no headway in crossing over enemy lines, and at this point, feel our orders simply cannot be executed. As the officer in charge of the brigade, I've made the executive decision to leave the canine behind. While the troops sleep, I am packing their duffel bags, and with the help of my subordinate, Sergeant Major Allison, will secure our outpost for an indefinite return. It is increasingly clear that leaving the barracks is our only option to regain sanity of the soldiers in question.

At this time, I unfortunately cannot comment on our estimated time of return. Please await further communication on our progress. We will send CCs of this briefing to the tiki bar, masseuse, and hotel concierge to ensure this safely gets to you, and that you are at all times aware of our plight.

To date, there's been no response.


  1. BWAH HAHAHAHAHAAH! Great one. Glad you started the blog!!!

  2. I am laughing out loud and about to spread the word to all my other blogger friends that this is the next big blog! Hilarious.

  3. As your faux-godmother, I will be reading your blog faithfully and am grateful that you've started it. You have so much talent, and you know how many times you've been told not to hide that under a bushel (basket?). You're going to be adding so many smiles to so many faces, not to mention occasional guffaws, I'm sure. Especially from me!


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